you cannot have what you cannot reach for.

I'm very tired.

more voices, less people.

I need rescued. I'm crying out and noone is listening.

I don't know how close is too close...am I ready....

Status

Here's how the Ritalin is treating me. I have better concentration, focus, less impulsiveness, less distractibility. All in all, so far so good.

I also had my lithium increased, which means at 900 mg a day I am pissing every 5 minutes, all through the night, and its that "I have to go NOW" feeling. This happened the last time my dosage was increased. What to do. I need the meds, I hate the side effects.

Its a beautiful Friday, for a beautiful new year, filled with all sorts of possibilities, and I'm seeing it for what its worth. Remarkable.

Conscience

The world has achieved brilliance without conscience. ~Omar Bradley

Substance Abuse

You know things must be difficult when you are not a drinker, yet you polish off 5 vodka tonics and still have to stop for a 40 oz. As if you could completely drink away your woes - everyone knows one cannot.

There is a hole, yet it cannot be filled. The one ingredient that will fix the hole is unavailable, so you just have to learn to live with the hole, be wary of it, tread carefully around it, always respect its presence. Its intimidating, this hole. Everytime you go out you are aware of this hole. Normal daily tasks are completed around this hole. This hole is a big hole, and it takes only one thing to fill it, and you ain't got it.

Emotions are attached to this hole. There is a history with it. It goes down and back deeper than anyone else could understand. It's rich with memory and cannot go unnoticed.

The alcohol doesn't drown it. The pot doesn't fade it. The pills don't conquer. The only that the hole can be filled with is love.

Christmas

So yeah, Christmas is here. Everyone jump up and down. Or do whatever you do.

Its just another cold day. Facts show Jesus wasn't even born in December. Why are we celebrating the 25th then?

After New Years I will be distributing copies of American Zeitgeist to all my friends. You have been warned!

Thats it. Just a post to update the blog. Not happy here, not happy anywhere.

He is still out of my reach.

There's something infectious in the snow. Knowing I can look up in the sky and those same snowflakes are falling on you too. Its a vibe for sure, maybe our chakra's are meeting or somewhere on some universal level we are connected. Somehow I reach you, and you reach me back. Sometimes, it feels as if you really are so close I could reach out and stroke your face.

My injustice of a girlfriend has led up to this, and I am facing it in the face.

Train Wreck

Your love in all it's finery

Tear up the darkness all around me

Until I can breathe again

Until I believe again

Cause I'm a train wreck

Waiting to happen

Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks

A wild fire born of frustration

Born of a world, oh, that gets me so high

I've no fear at all

But your eyes like midnight fireflies

Light up the trenches where my heart lies

Until I can see again

Find my way back again

Cause I'm a train wreck

Waiting to happen

Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks

A wild fire born of frustration born of the one love that gets me so high

I've no fear at all

To fall so deep into you

Loose myself completely

In your sweet embrace

All my pain's erased

From your mouth, it's all that I wish

Mercy of your lips, just one kiss

Until I can breathe again

Until I can sing again

Cause I'm a train wreck

Waiting to happen

Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks

A wild fire born of frustration born of the one love that gets me so high

I've no fear at all

To fall so deep into you

Loose myself completely

In your sweet embrace

All my pain's erased