There are three highlights from the movie I can give you without them being spoilers. There is a great shot of Hugh Jackman's happy trail and veiny southern region (keep it clean folks, its just an imaginatory shot, a good one nonetheless). There is very little music compared to Moulin Rouge. That was kind of a relief, considering I saw this movie with my dad and wasn't up for a musical tonight. The third is that there are lots of aussie accents and beautiful aussie scenery in this film. Lots of sunsets, outback territory, and horses and roos. My kinda thing!
The downfall of the movie is that it's 3 hours long. I can't sit still for a pedicure let alone a 3 hour movie. Baz, baby, cut it down some. Shit.
Picked up Coldplay's Viva La Vida cd at Target when I was at the mall. Sensational album. What did you expect from Chris Martin?
The roads are shit and it took me almost an hour to get home from the south side, so that blows.
See ya on the flipside.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Australia
Going to see Australia. If you don't know who Baz Luhrman is, think Moulin Rouge. Spectacular Spectacular! His work is nothing short of mindblowing. I'll let you know what I thought of it when I get home!Fix You
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Coldplay - Fix You
Saturday, November 29, 2008
My New Bike!
Look what I just bought! I get to go pick it up this morning! I'm stoked!
Or should I say spoked?
Friday, November 28, 2008
Prerequisites
So here would be a list for those of you who fancy me to consider abiding by.
SPACE
I require a good bit of space. Meaning, if you're in the mood to snuggle, chances are, I'm probably in the mood for a warm bath behind a locked door. If you're in the mood for some romantic sex, chances are, I'm in the mood for some finger banging. If you're in the mood to go to Home Depot to look at power tools, chances are, as long as I can fill the cart with air freshners and plants from the garden department, I'll go with you.
MOODS
I have some serious mood swings. As you can tell, I am on quite a heavy dose of any given prescriptive anti-psychotic at any given time. Without these, you should take cover and hide from me. If I am unhappy, do not pity me. Instead, blow me off and I will come running like a puppy for a treat. If I am manic and wild acting, offer me some alcohol or a downer. You may have to fake a panic attack to get the pills I need from YOUR doctor, but whatever for your girlfriend in the name of love, right?
APPETITE
On a normal day, I eat a couple times a day. My main diet consists of various pills and coffee and cigarrettes, however, sometimes I need substance and am forced to eat. Feed me from the following food groups and you should be able to maintain a harmony with you and I, and my restrictive diet; Sushi, Orange smoothies from QT, candy, chocolate, crab rangoon, thai, and occasionally I am in the mood for whatever you're hungry for. Of course, as long as it falls into the above food groups. I'm a giver!
SEX DRIVE
I am usually up for sex at anytime. I prefer the sex of having sex, not the love of love making. I prefer to be throat fucked then to do a lick-around. I prefer to get sweaty and loud and mess up the bed and let the neighbors know that in our otherwise dysfunctional relationship, we have the healthiest sex life on the block. When in doubt as to if I'll do something, I'll do it.
HOUSEKEEPING
I like to keep a clean house. I will be responsible for this duty, as long as we are clear on the following. I will not clean a shower that you have habitually masturbated in day after day. This violates my personal code as you should not be jerking off every day. If you are jerking off every day, I need to find you another girlfriend. See SEX DRIVE and anything goes.
I will guarantee you clean fresh clothes, ironed and pressed. I will make sure all the blue clothes stay blue and the white clothes stay white. You will never have to worry about wearing pink socks or unders while dating me. I will wash all the dishes by hand if you choose not to provide me a dishwasher. If you prefer not to provide me with a dishwasher, I will expect something else as compensation for my troubles with your dried, crusty food, such as a boxer or a new car. I will settle for something smaller, such as a good stinky bag of ganja. Which of course, I will then share with you, take advantage of you, and looky there - the neighbors are becoming jealous again, because of course being high makes me want to fuck.
HYGIENE
If you expect to gain access to my pants, I expect you to shower. I do not mind a hardworking man's sweaty balls, however, your dick must be clean. If I sense that it is not, you will not get a chance to go shower in hopes to return and score with me. Next time, hopefully, you will remember this lesson and come prepared. In return for your cleanliness, I offer you a waxed vagina and sparkling fresh body as your playground, anytime you choose to visit it.
GOOD GRACES
If I love you, we will be close, and you will know you are in good with me. If I like you, you will have to show serious effort in order to get into my good graces. All in all, if we are close, I will make you the happiest man alive. If we are not close, you will know it, and you will beg on two knees for my unbridled mercy. God save your soul if you should dishonor me. Even the devil cannot be this kind.
FINANCES
I am an inexpensive woman to keep around. I enjoy small suprises (see orange smoothie from QT for $1.29) and you will not be broke from being in my company. I do not want a diamond, I do not need a new car, and I don't like meat so you don't need to take me out for surf and turf. In return for all that I will give you as a girlfriend / significant other, the cost to you is quite minimal. I have no stipulations on how you spend your money, as you've earned it, you should spend it so.
PETS
My two housecats (and one day my own boxer) will be living with us. They may end up on the bed, in which case you may be forced to snuggle next to me (see MOODS) or hug the smallest corner of the bed, so as my pets are not uncomfortable. You must tolerate and not insult the way I talk to my pets in high pitched squeaky tones and incomprehensible baby talk. My pets are my children, and unless you want to become a full time father of a screaming infant with shitty diapers and daycare costs, let me have my fucking cats and be happy.
A little humor here people. I'd settle for someone CLOSE to this....lol
SPACE
I require a good bit of space. Meaning, if you're in the mood to snuggle, chances are, I'm probably in the mood for a warm bath behind a locked door. If you're in the mood for some romantic sex, chances are, I'm in the mood for some finger banging. If you're in the mood to go to Home Depot to look at power tools, chances are, as long as I can fill the cart with air freshners and plants from the garden department, I'll go with you.
MOODS
I have some serious mood swings. As you can tell, I am on quite a heavy dose of any given prescriptive anti-psychotic at any given time. Without these, you should take cover and hide from me. If I am unhappy, do not pity me. Instead, blow me off and I will come running like a puppy for a treat. If I am manic and wild acting, offer me some alcohol or a downer. You may have to fake a panic attack to get the pills I need from YOUR doctor, but whatever for your girlfriend in the name of love, right?
APPETITE
On a normal day, I eat a couple times a day. My main diet consists of various pills and coffee and cigarrettes, however, sometimes I need substance and am forced to eat. Feed me from the following food groups and you should be able to maintain a harmony with you and I, and my restrictive diet; Sushi, Orange smoothies from QT, candy, chocolate, crab rangoon, thai, and occasionally I am in the mood for whatever you're hungry for. Of course, as long as it falls into the above food groups. I'm a giver!
SEX DRIVE
I am usually up for sex at anytime. I prefer the sex of having sex, not the love of love making. I prefer to be throat fucked then to do a lick-around. I prefer to get sweaty and loud and mess up the bed and let the neighbors know that in our otherwise dysfunctional relationship, we have the healthiest sex life on the block. When in doubt as to if I'll do something, I'll do it.
HOUSEKEEPING
I like to keep a clean house. I will be responsible for this duty, as long as we are clear on the following. I will not clean a shower that you have habitually masturbated in day after day. This violates my personal code as you should not be jerking off every day. If you are jerking off every day, I need to find you another girlfriend. See SEX DRIVE and anything goes.
I will guarantee you clean fresh clothes, ironed and pressed. I will make sure all the blue clothes stay blue and the white clothes stay white. You will never have to worry about wearing pink socks or unders while dating me. I will wash all the dishes by hand if you choose not to provide me a dishwasher. If you prefer not to provide me with a dishwasher, I will expect something else as compensation for my troubles with your dried, crusty food, such as a boxer or a new car. I will settle for something smaller, such as a good stinky bag of ganja. Which of course, I will then share with you, take advantage of you, and looky there - the neighbors are becoming jealous again, because of course being high makes me want to fuck.
HYGIENE
If you expect to gain access to my pants, I expect you to shower. I do not mind a hardworking man's sweaty balls, however, your dick must be clean. If I sense that it is not, you will not get a chance to go shower in hopes to return and score with me. Next time, hopefully, you will remember this lesson and come prepared. In return for your cleanliness, I offer you a waxed vagina and sparkling fresh body as your playground, anytime you choose to visit it.
GOOD GRACES
If I love you, we will be close, and you will know you are in good with me. If I like you, you will have to show serious effort in order to get into my good graces. All in all, if we are close, I will make you the happiest man alive. If we are not close, you will know it, and you will beg on two knees for my unbridled mercy. God save your soul if you should dishonor me. Even the devil cannot be this kind.
FINANCES
I am an inexpensive woman to keep around. I enjoy small suprises (see orange smoothie from QT for $1.29) and you will not be broke from being in my company. I do not want a diamond, I do not need a new car, and I don't like meat so you don't need to take me out for surf and turf. In return for all that I will give you as a girlfriend / significant other, the cost to you is quite minimal. I have no stipulations on how you spend your money, as you've earned it, you should spend it so.
PETS
My two housecats (and one day my own boxer) will be living with us. They may end up on the bed, in which case you may be forced to snuggle next to me (see MOODS) or hug the smallest corner of the bed, so as my pets are not uncomfortable. You must tolerate and not insult the way I talk to my pets in high pitched squeaky tones and incomprehensible baby talk. My pets are my children, and unless you want to become a full time father of a screaming infant with shitty diapers and daycare costs, let me have my fucking cats and be happy.
A little humor here people. I'd settle for someone CLOSE to this....lol
More of Craigslist' Best!
*** Girlfriend Potential Test ***
Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.'
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.
Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.
Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.
Q4. We're having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.
Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.'
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.
Section Two: True or False
Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.
Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.
Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy.
Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.
Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies.
Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense.
Q7. Chest hair is gross.
Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.
Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course.
Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.
Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.'
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.
Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.
Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.
Q4. We're having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.
Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.'
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.
Section Two: True or False
Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.
Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.
Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy.
Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.
Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies.
Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense.
Q7. Chest hair is gross.
Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.
Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course.
Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.
gone gone gone
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Thank you to Mr. Soon To Be Married Mayer for those lyrics, you boy genius you!
Snapple Lid-Trivia
Noone loves Snapple like I love Snapple. Here are 50 odd bits of lid-trivia.
1 - A Goldfish's attention span is three seconds
2 - Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons
3 - Beavers can hold their breathe for 45 minutes under water
4 - Slugs have 4 noses
5 - Camels have 3 eyelids
6 - A honey bee can fly at 15mph
7 - A queen bee can lay 800-1500 eggs per day
8 - A bee has 5 eyes
9 - The average speed of a housefly is 4.5 mph
10 - Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas
11 - Flamingos are pink because they eat shrimp
12 - Emus and Kangaroos cannot walk backward
13 - Cats have over 100 vocal chords
14 - Camel's milk does not curdle
15 - All porcupines float in water
16 - The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1
17 - A hummingbird weighs less then a penny
18 - A jellyfish is 95% water
19 - Children grow faster in the spring
20 - Broccoli is the only vegetable that is also a flower
21 - Almonds are part of the peach family
22 - Alaska has the highest percentage of people who walk to work
23 - The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile national monument
24 - The state of Maine has 62 lighthouses
25 - The only food that does not spoil is honey
26 - The Hawaiian alphabet only has 12 letters
27 - A ball of glass will bounce higher then a ball of rubber
28 - Chewing gum while peeling onions will prevent you from crying
29 - On average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime
30 - Fish have eyelids
31 - The average human will eat an average of 8 spiders while sleeping
32 - There is one million ants to every human in the world
33 - Termites eat through wood two times faster when listening to rock music! 34 - If you keep a goldfish in a dark room it will eventually turn white
35 - Elephants only sleep 2 hours a day
36 - A duck's quack doesn't echo
37 - A snail breathes through its foot
38 - Fish cough
39 - An ant's smell is stronger then a dog's
40 - It is possible to lead a cow up stairs but not down
41 - Shrimp can only swim backward
42 - Frogs cannot swallow with their eyes open
43 - A cat's lower jaw cannot move sideways
44 - The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps
45 - Elephants are capable of swimming 20 miles per day
46 - Elephants are the only mammal that cannot jump
47 - Giraffes have no vocal chords
48 - Cats can hear ultrasound
49 - Despite its hump...camels has a straight spine
50 - Mosquitoes have 47 teeth
1 - A Goldfish's attention span is three seconds
2 - Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons
3 - Beavers can hold their breathe for 45 minutes under water
4 - Slugs have 4 noses
5 - Camels have 3 eyelids
6 - A honey bee can fly at 15mph
7 - A queen bee can lay 800-1500 eggs per day
8 - A bee has 5 eyes
9 - The average speed of a housefly is 4.5 mph
10 - Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas
11 - Flamingos are pink because they eat shrimp
12 - Emus and Kangaroos cannot walk backward
13 - Cats have over 100 vocal chords
14 - Camel's milk does not curdle
15 - All porcupines float in water
16 - The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1
17 - A hummingbird weighs less then a penny
18 - A jellyfish is 95% water
19 - Children grow faster in the spring
20 - Broccoli is the only vegetable that is also a flower
21 - Almonds are part of the peach family
22 - Alaska has the highest percentage of people who walk to work
23 - The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile national monument
24 - The state of Maine has 62 lighthouses
25 - The only food that does not spoil is honey
26 - The Hawaiian alphabet only has 12 letters
27 - A ball of glass will bounce higher then a ball of rubber
28 - Chewing gum while peeling onions will prevent you from crying
29 - On average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime
30 - Fish have eyelids
31 - The average human will eat an average of 8 spiders while sleeping
32 - There is one million ants to every human in the world
33 - Termites eat through wood two times faster when listening to rock music! 34 - If you keep a goldfish in a dark room it will eventually turn white
35 - Elephants only sleep 2 hours a day
36 - A duck's quack doesn't echo
37 - A snail breathes through its foot
38 - Fish cough
39 - An ant's smell is stronger then a dog's
40 - It is possible to lead a cow up stairs but not down
41 - Shrimp can only swim backward
42 - Frogs cannot swallow with their eyes open
43 - A cat's lower jaw cannot move sideways
44 - The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps
45 - Elephants are capable of swimming 20 miles per day
46 - Elephants are the only mammal that cannot jump
47 - Giraffes have no vocal chords
48 - Cats can hear ultrasound
49 - Despite its hump...camels has a straight spine
50 - Mosquitoes have 47 teeth
The Life of a Pill Popper
Ok so I'm just gonna expose myself for the greater good. Someone somewhere is going through the same runaround that I'm going through.
Here's a little history.
1988 - Ritalin
1989 - Ritalin
1990 - Ritalin, Imipramine
1991 - Imipramine
1992 - 1996 - Ritalin, Imipramine
1996 - Serzone
1997 - Serzone, Zoloft
1998 - Serzone, Zoloft, Paxil
1999 - Paxil
2000 - Xanax, Zoloft
2001 - Xanax, Serzone, Prozac, Klonopin
2002 - Xanax, Remeron, Prozac, Klonopin, Ativan
2003 - Xanax, Lexapro, Remeron, Klonopin, Ativan
2004 - Xanax, Lexapro, Zoloft, Seroquel
2005 - Xanax, Lexapro, Seroquel
2006 - Effexor XR, Xanax, Seroquel, Zoloft, Trazadone, Valium
2007 - Effexor XR, Seroquel, Trazadone
2008 - Effexor XR, Lithium, Abilify, Klonopin, Trazadone, Pristiq
Current - Abilify, Lithium, Trazadone
Yeah. That's how I feel. If I feel anything at all anymore!
GM News
GM Covered With Giant Tarp Until It Has Money To Work On Cars Again
November 25, 2008
DETROIT—The General Motors Corporation announced Monday that it has covered its main production plant with a 500,000-square-foot blue tarp until it can get some revenue together to work on its cars again. "The rear-axle assembly line is all out of whack, and the carburetor department needs a complete rebuild," CEO G. Richard Wagoner, Jr. said while wiping his hands with an oily rag. "It's going to be at least a $50 billion job. Goddamn piece of shit American car industry." According to Wagoner, the automotive giant spent its last $18 on cinder blocks to help secure the tarp.
Source: The Onion.com
November 25, 2008
DETROIT—The General Motors Corporation announced Monday that it has covered its main production plant with a 500,000-square-foot blue tarp until it can get some revenue together to work on its cars again. "The rear-axle assembly line is all out of whack, and the carburetor department needs a complete rebuild," CEO G. Richard Wagoner, Jr. said while wiping his hands with an oily rag. "It's going to be at least a $50 billion job. Goddamn piece of shit American car industry." According to Wagoner, the automotive giant spent its last $18 on cinder blocks to help secure the tarp.
Source: The Onion.com
Primitive
Sweetheart
The sun has set
All red and primitive above our heads
Blood stained on an ageless sky
Wipe your tears and let the salt stains dry
Let them all run dry
All run dry...
Sweetheart
Take me to bed
That's where all our prayers are said
Whispered silent in the night
That's how all our dreams take flight
Let them all go by
All go by...
For time will catch us in both hands
To blow away like grains of sand
Ashes to ashes rust to rust
This is what becomes of us
Sweetheart
Send me to sleep
Pray to God our hopes to keep
Take our fears and make us strong
Lead us to where we belong
And let it all go by
All go by...
~Annie Lennox
Bedside Manners
1 bottle of smartwater
1 bottle of trazadone
1 bottle half full of vicodin 500's
1 book, Danielle Steele's Bungalow 2
1 book, John Grisham's The Chamber
1 book, Helter Skelter
1 book, The Writings of Rachel Corrie
1 tube of chappie stick
1 alarm clock used for light classical music to sleep to
1 small vase of white roses
1 cat brush
Whats at your bedside?
Thursday, November 27, 2008
A Wee Bit 'O' Useless Sexual Trivia
According to the Kinsey Institute, masturbation is more common among white-collar workers than blue-collar workers. Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only a bachelor's degree.
On average, 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have another sex partner.
Forty percent of women have said they had an orgasm while dreaming about sex. That number
is 80% for men.
According to a Kinsey survey, 75% of men ejaculate within three minutes pf penetration.
The typical lovemaking session averages 15 minutes in length.
There are five calories in a teaspoon of semen.
A small flaccid penis generally has a greater percentage increase during erection than a larger flaccid penis.
Semen contains small amounts of more than thirty elements, including fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, lactic acid, nitrogen, vitamin B12, and various salts and enzymes.
Studies have proven that it's harder to tell a convincing lie to someone you find sexually attractive.
At age seventy, 73% of men are still potent.
The smallest erect penis on record was one centimeter long.
The initial spurt of ejaculate travels at 28 miles per hour. By way of comparison, the world record for the 100 yard dash is 27.1 miles per hour.
(yeah! so ladies, stop trying to outrun it and swallow already!)
The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men. The opposite is true for lefties.
According to statistics, Australian women are the most likely to have sex on the first date. (sluts!)
Eye Candy, Anyone?
The stunning Monica Bellucci. Nothing else needs to be said.
Instantly, my mood seems to be improving. Wink Wink!
Guilt Trip, Party of One
Ran across a couple vicodin today to get me through the day.
One parent playing against the other for me 'choosing' who to spend time with today. Over this game and tired of the fucking bullshit guilt trips. If I can manage the double holiday activities, and without drama or emotional wreckage, cannot they? If this were a contest of maturity, someone surely would have been disqualified.
Went to the neighbors and had some coffee and pie. Love thy neighbor, mine are pretty spectacular. I taught my 60 some year old neighbor the ghetto thug handshake, pretty amusing.
In a generally poor mood, after being drawn into the guilt trip that is going on right now with one parent. Cannot figure out why we can't grasp being adults and move on with life's difficulties and tribulations.
Cannot write anymore at this time.
"Please Forgive Me" ~Bryan Adams, goes out to you J.
Ubiquitously Still
Since I'm in a generally randy mood this morning, I'm gonna throw down some of my recent catastrophic successes. Everyone loves a little pissinesss in the am. I've got noone here to fuck and bake cinnamon rolls for, so this is what you all get instead.
8=>
"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced."
~Frank Zappa
Woody Allen said all he had tended to put his wife under a pedestal. Thats the kind of guy I want. I'm wanting without any succes destime. It is SO true that we always want what we cannot have. Think of this in terms monetarily, or relationship minded, or fame based. Never can get enough or precisely what we want. Then again, look at MC Hammer. He had it all, now he's just a punk. Stupid fucker.
Slept like a baby. Dreamed I was living in Ms. Lohans quarters (you should see her closet!) and that Sam Ronson was there ordering her around. Ms. Lohan had to go visit her shrink (probably due Ms. Ronson) so I tagged along, and ironically, it was Dr. Richardson, my psych! He was much sexier in the dream. Kind of like a mature Tim Robbins (Shawshank Redemption). I never did decipher what Ms. Lohan's malfunctions were and how they pertained to her visit that day, but I wonder if they have anything to do with her being a salacious-serial-slut.
I better get a shower. Two thanksgivings to attend today - ain't divorce grand. Though as I told my folks, you are both much better people alone. They agree with me. What does that tell you? Speaking of marriage - its colder than a 10 year marriage out there this morning.
I'll end with a favorite anonymous quote for y'all.
"I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you."
~Unknown
Have a very enigmatical Turkey Day peeps!
Love y'all!
( s u b l i m i n a l m e s s a g e : e a t t o f u r k e y i n s t e a d t o d a y )
<=8
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
For Him Who Reads
Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones,
as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.
~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
Best Of Craigslist - Washington, DC
Best 'Psycho' Ex-Girlfriend You've Ever Had!
I know that all your ex-girlfriends are 'psychos.' I've heard all about them since hardly a day goes by that you don't make some eye-rolling reference to 'that crazy bitch' who practically ruined your life and then went off and married some successful 'douchebag' leaving you to troll local college bars in search of no-strings-attached ass while she enjoys quiet weekends at home with her new in-laws in Connecticut. That selfish, cunt. I know that you don't think I could ever be as good of a 'psycho ex' as she was. But, I assure you. I can. I'll be such a raving lunatic nutcase - you won't even remember her when I'm through with you. Try me.
For starters - I am great in bed. Isn't that how all the 'crazy' ones start out? You'll meet me at some party through some friend of a friend of a friend who knows I have 'whacko' potential but will fail to mention this to the chain of people through whom we are introduced because...quite frankly, our friends don't really care enough about either of us to keep our best interests in mind. Alternatively, they *do* have our best interests in mind but know that our dramatic personalities and overwhelming egos are forces too powerful for even the most friendly, logical advice. Thus, they abort all attempts to keep us apart and allow us to get drunk and grope each other publicly, shaking their heads all the while because..this shit is gonna' blow up big time. Meantime, we'll already be upstairs, half undressed where you'll be too drunk to censor yourself so you'll make overly generous blubbering commentary about how 'sexy' I am (as I knock into a table lamp with swanlike grace). You'll also rave on and on about how I have the greatest tits you've ever seen and am 'fucking amazing' on all other fronts (as if I didn't know). Compared to the four other chicks you've banged, this will be the best sex of your life. And as soon as we're done, you'll start forming a mental list of which buddies you are going to text message first about this while at the same time wondering if you could possibly spend the rest of your life with me.
In the sobering light of morning, you'll forget that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and instead opt for a "two-night stand" but you'll quickly realize that I am having none of that and somehow weasle my way into staying over, cooking breakfast and reading your newspaper. I will also have conveniently brought my toothbrush and some sanitary products which I quickly store in your bathroom cabinets since 'I'm going to be spending a lot of time at your place.' Your Maxim magazines will go from the top of the toilet to the bottom of the wastebasket because I find them 'offensive' and 'immature.' Later that day, you'll log onto Facebook and find out that I'm 'in a relationship'...with you. Yay! At first, you'll think it's creepy but then (due to your inferiority complex) you'll take it as a compliment and change your relationship status too. Within an hour, you'll receive 57 new notifications which indicate that I've commented on every photo in your album in which you appear with an unidentified female. Your relationships with these family members, college friends and co-workers will quickly disintegrate as you mistake my obsession for passion and declare your undying commitment to me and stop returning other people's calls.
Friends will caution you but you'll be too blinded by my mind-blowing felatio technique to notice anything. Besides, I've explained that they're just jealous of our love. Together, our poor self images will have us each convinced that the other is cheating. We'll fight about it all the time. Non-stop. On our 'good days' we'll shower each other with undeserved gifts and sexual favors and the accusatory banter will be minimal - though still prevalent.
Things will be going 'pretty well' for a while until one night your phone battery dies and you fall asleep early - forcing me into an incoherent panic. Six unreturned voicemails and text messages will lead me to believe only the worst - you ARE cheating on me! To confirm my suspicions, I will immediately log into all your personal accounts - since you are so technologically oblivious you left your passwords saved on my computer - and find a message to be mad about. It will likely be a harmless flirtation from a platonic friend who lives six states away that pushes me over the edge. Unable to reach her or you - I will scramble into my car and drive barefoot to your apartment where I will ride up on the curb knocking over an unsuspecting potted plant. The commotion outside will rouse you from your slumber and you'll stumble bleary- eyed to the window just in time to see me throw the car in reverse and plow into your beloved Huyndai Elantra. In short order, the police will come, I will cry, you will shout, your landlord will evict you and your insurance company will drop you. On the bright side, our names will be forever emblazoned together onto a county police report. Despite all this, it will take another several months for you to come to your senses and break-up with me.
Knowing that I am a ticking bomb, you will execute this in the kindest, most reasonable way possible. You will make every effort to lift my spirits by explaning that "It's not you, it's me." and that "I deserve someone better." All this, to no avail. The only way you can truly be rid of me is to change your phone number and move across the country where you'll make new friends and find a new insecure girlfriend to emotionally abuse for months until she finally reaches her psychological breaking point and throws a wine glass at you and storms out of a restaurant. Everyone will be looking at you, dripping in Pinot Noir with an astonished look on your face. In your head you'll be thinking, "Ha. That was nothing. You should see my Huyndai Elantra." And, that, is why I'll be the best psycho ex-girlfriend you've ever had.
I know that all your ex-girlfriends are 'psychos.' I've heard all about them since hardly a day goes by that you don't make some eye-rolling reference to 'that crazy bitch' who practically ruined your life and then went off and married some successful 'douchebag' leaving you to troll local college bars in search of no-strings-attached ass while she enjoys quiet weekends at home with her new in-laws in Connecticut. That selfish, cunt. I know that you don't think I could ever be as good of a 'psycho ex' as she was. But, I assure you. I can. I'll be such a raving lunatic nutcase - you won't even remember her when I'm through with you. Try me.
For starters - I am great in bed. Isn't that how all the 'crazy' ones start out? You'll meet me at some party through some friend of a friend of a friend who knows I have 'whacko' potential but will fail to mention this to the chain of people through whom we are introduced because...quite frankly, our friends don't really care enough about either of us to keep our best interests in mind. Alternatively, they *do* have our best interests in mind but know that our dramatic personalities and overwhelming egos are forces too powerful for even the most friendly, logical advice. Thus, they abort all attempts to keep us apart and allow us to get drunk and grope each other publicly, shaking their heads all the while because..this shit is gonna' blow up big time. Meantime, we'll already be upstairs, half undressed where you'll be too drunk to censor yourself so you'll make overly generous blubbering commentary about how 'sexy' I am (as I knock into a table lamp with swanlike grace). You'll also rave on and on about how I have the greatest tits you've ever seen and am 'fucking amazing' on all other fronts (as if I didn't know). Compared to the four other chicks you've banged, this will be the best sex of your life. And as soon as we're done, you'll start forming a mental list of which buddies you are going to text message first about this while at the same time wondering if you could possibly spend the rest of your life with me.
In the sobering light of morning, you'll forget that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and instead opt for a "two-night stand" but you'll quickly realize that I am having none of that and somehow weasle my way into staying over, cooking breakfast and reading your newspaper. I will also have conveniently brought my toothbrush and some sanitary products which I quickly store in your bathroom cabinets since 'I'm going to be spending a lot of time at your place.' Your Maxim magazines will go from the top of the toilet to the bottom of the wastebasket because I find them 'offensive' and 'immature.' Later that day, you'll log onto Facebook and find out that I'm 'in a relationship'...with you. Yay! At first, you'll think it's creepy but then (due to your inferiority complex) you'll take it as a compliment and change your relationship status too. Within an hour, you'll receive 57 new notifications which indicate that I've commented on every photo in your album in which you appear with an unidentified female. Your relationships with these family members, college friends and co-workers will quickly disintegrate as you mistake my obsession for passion and declare your undying commitment to me and stop returning other people's calls.
Friends will caution you but you'll be too blinded by my mind-blowing felatio technique to notice anything. Besides, I've explained that they're just jealous of our love. Together, our poor self images will have us each convinced that the other is cheating. We'll fight about it all the time. Non-stop. On our 'good days' we'll shower each other with undeserved gifts and sexual favors and the accusatory banter will be minimal - though still prevalent.
Things will be going 'pretty well' for a while until one night your phone battery dies and you fall asleep early - forcing me into an incoherent panic. Six unreturned voicemails and text messages will lead me to believe only the worst - you ARE cheating on me! To confirm my suspicions, I will immediately log into all your personal accounts - since you are so technologically oblivious you left your passwords saved on my computer - and find a message to be mad about. It will likely be a harmless flirtation from a platonic friend who lives six states away that pushes me over the edge. Unable to reach her or you - I will scramble into my car and drive barefoot to your apartment where I will ride up on the curb knocking over an unsuspecting potted plant. The commotion outside will rouse you from your slumber and you'll stumble bleary- eyed to the window just in time to see me throw the car in reverse and plow into your beloved Huyndai Elantra. In short order, the police will come, I will cry, you will shout, your landlord will evict you and your insurance company will drop you. On the bright side, our names will be forever emblazoned together onto a county police report. Despite all this, it will take another several months for you to come to your senses and break-up with me.
Knowing that I am a ticking bomb, you will execute this in the kindest, most reasonable way possible. You will make every effort to lift my spirits by explaning that "It's not you, it's me." and that "I deserve someone better." All this, to no avail. The only way you can truly be rid of me is to change your phone number and move across the country where you'll make new friends and find a new insecure girlfriend to emotionally abuse for months until she finally reaches her psychological breaking point and throws a wine glass at you and storms out of a restaurant. Everyone will be looking at you, dripping in Pinot Noir with an astonished look on your face. In your head you'll be thinking, "Ha. That was nothing. You should see my Huyndai Elantra." And, that, is why I'll be the best psycho ex-girlfriend you've ever had.
Best Of Craigslist - Chicago
To the older woman watching me buying condoms - m4w
Date: 2008-10-22, 6:10PM CDT
I was the 20 something guy holding two bottles of chardonay in the condom section of the Dominick's. You were the lovely lady in her 50's peering over my shoulder as I made my selection. I was not aware of your presence until the audible gasp when I reached for a box of ribbed magnums. My date did not go exactly as planned; the wine went down ok but I forgot to use the magnums in the heat of the moment and I think I may have gotten the clap. Long story short I still have a dozen condoms left over if you are interested in going out sometime...
Location: Schaumburg
Date: 2008-10-22, 6:10PM CDT
I was the 20 something guy holding two bottles of chardonay in the condom section of the Dominick's. You were the lovely lady in her 50's peering over my shoulder as I made my selection. I was not aware of your presence until the audible gasp when I reached for a box of ribbed magnums. My date did not go exactly as planned; the wine went down ok but I forgot to use the magnums in the heat of the moment and I think I may have gotten the clap. Long story short I still have a dozen condoms left over if you are interested in going out sometime...
Location: Schaumburg
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Pleasure Moments
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life
~Imogen Heap
Monday, November 24, 2008
Slug Salad for One Please
Dammit fool, call me back or your ass is going to the fishbowl tomorrow. I wouldn't joke about something like this. If you're of no use to me, you're of no use to anyone at all.Asshole!
Open Mind
When I call your name I'm gonna scream out loud
I'll say here I am standing in the crowd
You'll say come to me with your open mind
You'll never know what you still might find
but you keep me here like a cancelled flight
an empty train runnin' through the night
an orphan child
a broken shoe
and I'm still out here looking out for you.
~Annie Lennox
Straight From The Mouth Of Manson
"I'm afraid of happy people.
They're chemically unbalanced."
“What I find incredibly funny is people who say, ‘Oh you must have children otherwise you’re being incredibly selfish.’ As if having children stops selfishness. I know hundreds of parents and they’re the most selfish people I have ever met. As wonderful as I think child-rearing is for some, it’s not for everybody."
~ Shirley Manson
Welcome Junkies and Trapped Minds!
This is nothing new folks. I've been a blogger, journaling fiend for years. I have over 200 of the damn things. Its just time to get this out and be heard once again. I've met a lot of people and had many experiences that you can relate to, so feel free to give me feedback.Remember, I'm not here to please anyone. You don't like what I have to say, you can vent, but ultimately, move the fuck on from my page.
About me? I'm 30, really dig my horses and my music. Love to write, read, sing, take corners too fast, run my horse in the dark, long to be normal with minimal medication, long for a fat cock and a very independent man who doesn't always notice me.
I'm into all sorts of true crime, love to sit on the NTSB.gov site reading about airline accidents. Have been to Europe and experienced Christmas in London. I have seen, done, and experienced. So have you.
We're all so very unique and different, in the very same way, aren't we?
Medical Community Provided Condoms by our Government
The society we live in believes that to throw us pills will cure us. There are several problems with this. The first being, that is a temporary fix for a permanent problem. The second problem lies in the cost of such treatments. For those of us who have the free resources, those are instantly compromised at the sight of income by the state. The third and most prominent problem with this theory is the diagnosis, double diagnosis, different or wrong diagnosis, making it then next to impossible to retrieve the correct medication for our true sypmtons. Yes, its as if the government has said yes, we'll be happy to help the uninsured, mentally handicapped individuals like yourself. Let us go make the phone call to let the medical community know they are going to need more condoms for all the fucking your ass they're about to do.
See what I'm saying? It never ends.
Welcome to my blog. Its not my first, it won't be my last. At one point in my life I was on so much Xanax that I had over 200 journals in 4 years filled with creative outlets and expressions of happier things, and then - whoosh.
Gone. Out like a light. They took them away. And once again I was headed down the dark hallway.
Welcome to your life. Chances are you're living this nightmare with me.
See what I'm saying? It never ends.
Welcome to my blog. Its not my first, it won't be my last. At one point in my life I was on so much Xanax that I had over 200 journals in 4 years filled with creative outlets and expressions of happier things, and then - whoosh.
Gone. Out like a light. They took them away. And once again I was headed down the dark hallway.
Welcome to your life. Chances are you're living this nightmare with me.
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