Conscience

The world has achieved brilliance without conscience. ~Omar Bradley

Substance Abuse

You know things must be difficult when you are not a drinker, yet you polish off 5 vodka tonics and still have to stop for a 40 oz. As if you could completely drink away your woes - everyone knows one cannot.

There is a hole, yet it cannot be filled. The one ingredient that will fix the hole is unavailable, so you just have to learn to live with the hole, be wary of it, tread carefully around it, always respect its presence. Its intimidating, this hole. Everytime you go out you are aware of this hole. Normal daily tasks are completed around this hole. This hole is a big hole, and it takes only one thing to fill it, and you ain't got it.

Emotions are attached to this hole. There is a history with it. It goes down and back deeper than anyone else could understand. It's rich with memory and cannot go unnoticed.

The alcohol doesn't drown it. The pot doesn't fade it. The pills don't conquer. The only that the hole can be filled with is love.

Christmas

So yeah, Christmas is here. Everyone jump up and down. Or do whatever you do.

Its just another cold day. Facts show Jesus wasn't even born in December. Why are we celebrating the 25th then?

After New Years I will be distributing copies of American Zeitgeist to all my friends. You have been warned!

Thats it. Just a post to update the blog. Not happy here, not happy anywhere.

He is still out of my reach.

There's something infectious in the snow. Knowing I can look up in the sky and those same snowflakes are falling on you too. Its a vibe for sure, maybe our chakra's are meeting or somewhere on some universal level we are connected. Somehow I reach you, and you reach me back. Sometimes, it feels as if you really are so close I could reach out and stroke your face.

My injustice of a girlfriend has led up to this, and I am facing it in the face.

Train Wreck

Your love in all it's finery

Tear up the darkness all around me

Until I can breathe again

Until I believe again

Cause I'm a train wreck

Waiting to happen

Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks

A wild fire born of frustration

Born of a world, oh, that gets me so high

I've no fear at all

But your eyes like midnight fireflies

Light up the trenches where my heart lies

Until I can see again

Find my way back again

Cause I'm a train wreck

Waiting to happen

Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks

A wild fire born of frustration born of the one love that gets me so high

I've no fear at all

To fall so deep into you

Loose myself completely

In your sweet embrace

All my pain's erased

From your mouth, it's all that I wish

Mercy of your lips, just one kiss

Until I can breathe again

Until I can sing again

Cause I'm a train wreck

Waiting to happen

Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks

A wild fire born of frustration born of the one love that gets me so high

I've no fear at all

To fall so deep into you

Loose myself completely

In your sweet embrace

All my pain's erased

Decriminalization of Marijuana

If we lived in California, posession of 28g or less is a misdemeanor. No time.
In Alaska, having 1oz or less in your home is no penalty, no crime, no time.
In Minnesota, having less than 42g is a misdemeanor, with no time, small fine.
In Iowa, it is a misdemeanor to be caught with anything, up to 6 months, and a hefty $1000 fine. Where do you want to live when you grow up?

MYTH

Marijuana Causes Crime. Marijuana users commit more property offenses than nonusers. Under the influence of marijuana, people become irrational, aggressive, and violent.

FACT
Every serious scholar and government commission examining the relationship between marijuana use and crime has reached the same conclusion: marijuana does not cause crime. The vast majority of marijuana users do not commit crimes other than the crime of possessing marijuana. Among marijuana users who do commit crimes, marijuana plays no causal role. Almost all human and animal studies show that marijuana decreases rather than increases aggression.

LETS DECRIMINALIZE MARIJUANA

Its A Great Day For Ritalin!

A little ADD information, in case you thought it 'went away' as an adult, or 'it was just a childhood thing'.


The ADD adult might have trouble with staying on task, staying organized and procrastinating, just as the Attention Deficit Disorder child does. The Attention Deficit Disorder adult might have trouble maintaining relationships and controlling their mood, just like an ADD or ADHD child.

Common ADD / ADHD characteristics :

An internal sense of anxiety
Impulsive spending habits
Frequent distractions during sex
Frequently misplace the car keys, your purse or wallet or other day-to-day items
Lack of attention to detail
Family history of ADD, learning problems, mood disorders or substance abuse problems
Trouble following the proper channels or chain of commands
An attitude of "read the directions when all else fails"
Frequent traffic violations
Impulsive job changes
Trouble maintaining an organized work and/or home environment
Chronically late or always in a hurry
Frequently overwhelmed by tasks of daily living
Poor financial management and frequent late bills
Procrastination
Spending excessive time at work due to inefficiencies
Inconsistent work performance
Sense of underachievement
Frequent mood swings
Trouble sustaining friendships or intimate relationships
A need to seek high stimulation activities
Tendency toward exaggerated outbursts
Transposing numbers, letters, words
Tendency toward being argumentative
Addictive personality toward food, alcohol, drugs, work and/or gambling
Tendency to worry needlessly and endlessly
Having quick or exaggerated responses to real or imagined slights


Individuals with the disorder can get lost doing unimportant activities, heedless of more important jobs that need to be done. At times, they may have difficulty with their short term memory. They may not fulfill their obligations until the last moment or complete a task only when they feel an external pressure to do so. Symptoms are particularly burdensome to those whose work involves deadlines and/or organizing and recalling complex information.


The disorder can be frustrating to family members and co-workers, who may mistakenly see the problem as one of laziness or irresponsibility.People suffering from ADD often feel unfairly nagged by those around them and sometimes become defiant when confronted with their performance problems. Their underachievement often leads to reduced self-esteem, depression and anxiety. Some undertake psychotherapy to deal with interpersonal conflicts that are caused by the disorder or to gain control over their seeming negligence.


The disorder is associated with dysfunction the frontal part of the brain. Most adults with ADD suffered from Attention Deficit Disorder as children, although frequently the diagnosis was not made at the time. ADD has a strong hereditary component, so ADD in a child is an important indicator that one or both parents may suffer from ADD and vice versa.


Mild or non-specific deficits of executive functions, such as planning and organizing, are common in the general population, particularly among older people. Executive functions may also be affected by injury to the brain, fatigue, alcoholism, Alzheimer's, and other medical disorders. In addition, various psychological disorders, including learning disabilities, schizophrenia, depression, and anxiety, may impair executive dysfunctions.

Mental Health Milestone

She shoots, she scores! She's
gotten her ADD medicationa and it only took 3 months! What a success!

It's a frigid morning, yet something told me I needed to make this doctor appointment today. I knew that something good had to come out of a 15 minute appointment with my psych on this cold ass morning.

I was not going to fall victim to his prescribing 'whatever I have in the cabinet' any longer. The last round of Abilify put me into a tailspin of panic attacks. He actually apologized this morning for not refilling the Klonopin I so desperately needed to wean off the Abilify. Nasty nasty drug, this Abilify.

Today he asks me what I think I need Ritalin for. I said well, it improved my grades through school, gave me focus, concentration, and cut my impulsiveness markedly. I listed off another 10 reasons why I felt I needed it, and he wrote out the script. Maybe it was just time I grew a sac and insisted upon it.

Anyway, I'm back to the Ritalin, and I feel successful after three months work, averaging 5 appointments a month, time, energy, and wasted days on the wrong medication.

This is a mental health milestone for me! I'll let you know if it still works, it worked at 15, maybe it will work at 30. I'll keep ya posted!

Currently taking :

Effexor XR 150 mg - once daily
Ritalin 5mg - 1x morning, 1x lunchtime
Trazadone - 200mg - at bedtime
Lithium 200mg - 2x daily
Metoprolol 50mg - 2x daily

Some of The Faves...Quotes

"Why not seize the pleasure at once, how often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparations."

~Jane Austen

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.

I miss you like hell."

~Edna St. Vincent Millay

"I thought when love for you died, I should die.It's dead.

Alone, most strangely, I live on."

~Rupert Brooke

"Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves."

~Friedrich Nietzsche

"If you're being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade."

~Author Unknown

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."

~M. Kathleen Casey

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive."

~Josephine Hart

"Some women love only what they can hold in their arms;

others, only what they can't."

~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

"The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire."

~Ferdinand Foch

"He does not need opium. He has the gift of reverie."

~Anais Nin

Enneagram Test Results

Type Seven in Brief
Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over- extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.


Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain
Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilled
Key Motivations: Want to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain.

Getting To Know You

Paraphilia refers to any powerful and persistent sexual interest other than sexual interest in copulatory or precopulatory behavior with phenotypically normal, consenting adult human partners.[1]Various methods are used to achieve the level of oxygen depletion needed, such as a hanging, suffocation with a plastic bag over the head, self-strangulation such as with a ligature, gas or volatile solvents, chest compression, or some combination of these.
Sexual Masochism: the recurrent urge or behavior of wanting to be humiliated, beaten, bound, or otherwise made to suffer for sexual pleasure.

Exhibitionism: the recurrent urge or behavior to expose one's genitals to an unsuspecting person. (Can also be the recurrent urge or behavior to perform sexual acts in a public place, or in view of unsuspecting persons.)

Psychotherapy, self-help groups, and pharmacotherapy (including the controversial hormone therapy sometimes referred to as "chemical castration") have all been used but are often unsuccessful.

Lithium, the mood-stabilizing drug also known as Eskalith is typically used for the treatment of mania in bipolar disorder. There are some reports of reduced sexual compulsive behavior and a reduction in obsessive sexual thoughts in patients, which they attribute to the drug's enhancement of serotonergic functioning.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class of antidepressants such as fluoxetine (Prozac), sertraline (Zoloft), fluvoxamine (Luvox), and paroxitine (Paxil), have all been used to treat paraphilias and related disorders by reducing impulse control problems and/or sexual obsessions with some success.

In BDSM, edgeplay is a subjective term for types of sexual play that are considered to be pushing on the edge of the traditional safe, sane and consensual creed.

My Enneagram and Jung Test Results

We can thank the kind folks over at Eyerly Ball for this fine testing. I find my appointments are going so well that I may find a diagnosis and / or be able to quit therapy sometime near 2060.

Took these two tests last week and came home with copies, because if I wanted to know anything about what is going on with my mental health I need to spend an hour with google. As the visits to my psychologist go, they are in fifteen minute increments. Just long enough for me to tell him that my medication blows ass and I'd like something else. Then he returns with new pills and tells me to make a follow up visit for two weeks. Every time. Now doesn't that sound so feverishly effective?

Anyway, my scores below. And I shouldn't misguide you, I find the type seven results oddly correct.

The Enneagram is a nine factor personality system that is sort of a historical mutt, many different influences. The nine factors are - orderliness, helpfulness, image focus, hypersensitivity, detachment, caution, adventurousness, strength, and calmness.

The Jung Test are based on the work of Carl Jung, David Kiersey, Isabel Myers and Katherine Briggs. They are similar in underlying theory to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and the Kiersey Temperment Sorter. They measure four bipolar factors, Introversion/Extroversion, Thinking/Feeling, Intuition/Sensing, and Judging/Percieving.

Enneagram Type 7 - in Brief

Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over- extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain
Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilled

Key Motivations: Want to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain.

We have named this personality type The Enthusiast because Sevens are enthusiastic about almost everything that catches their attention. They approach life with curiosity, optimism, and a sense of adventure, like “kids in a candy store” who look at the world in wide-eyed, rapt anticipation of all the good things they are about to experience. They are bold and vivacious, pursuing what they want in life with a cheerful determination. They have a quality best described by the Yiddish word “chutzpah”—a kind of brash “nerviness.”
Although Sevens are in the Thinking Triad, this is not immediately apparent because they tend to be extremely practical and engaged in a multitude of projects at any given time. Their thinking is anticipatory: they foresee events and generate ideas “on the fly,” favoring activities that stimulate their minds—which in turn generate more things to do and think about. Sevens are not necessarily intellectual or studious by any standard definition, although they are often intelligent and can be widely read and highly verbal. Their minds move rapidly from one idea to the next, making Sevens gifted at brainstorming and synthesizing information. Sevens are exhilarated by the rush of ideas and by the pleasure of being spontaneous, preferring broad overviews and the excitement of the initial stages of the creative process to probing a single topic in depth.

Jung Short Test Results

ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.

Extroverted (E) 64.29%

Introverted (I) 35.71%

Intuitive (N) 75.76%

Sensing (S) 24.24%

Feeling (F) 55%

Thinking (T) 45%

Perceiving (P) 69.44%

Judging (J) 30.56%

Why, Thats the Best News I've Heard All Day!

Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks

KANSAS CITY, MO—President Bush sustained serious head injuries, massive internal bleeding, and a broken left leg Monday morning after being accidentally dragged behind the presidential motorcade for a period of 15 minutes. According to Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan,

Bush's necktie became caught in the trunk of the motorcade's second vehicle at 4:13 p.m., shortly before the driver accelerated. The president was dragged down 175th Street for 26 blocks and through four stoplights, leaving a trail of blood more than a mile long.

Upon hearing shouts emanating from behind his vehicle, the driver abruptly applied the brakes, causing the third car in the motorcade to run over the president's left leg at a speed of approximately 25 miles per hour. President Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital.

source: theonion.com

American Airlines Now Charging Fees to Non-Passengers

FORT WORTH, TX—Cash-strapped American Airlines announced a new series of fees this week that will apply to all customers not currently flying, scheduled to fly, or even thinking about flying aboard the commercial carrier.

American Airlines has promised never to raise its fees for not printing a boarding pass.

The fees, the latest introduced by American Airlines in a continuing effort to combat its financial woes, will take effect on Monday. According to company officials, these charges will include a $25 tax on citizens traveling with any other airline, as well as a mandatory $30 surcharge for passengers who decide to just stay home for the holidays instead.

"Tough times unfortunately mean tough measures," American Airlines president Gerard Arpey said. "It's never an easy decision to ask our loyal customers, as well as thousands of people chosen at random out of a telephone book, to pay a little extra, but that's just the reality of today's economic climate. We hope all Americans will understand this when receiving one of our new bills in the mail."

Arpey said that non-passengers of American Airlines should expect to pay a small fee when making Greyhound bus reservations, choosing to drive to their final destination, or simply being a citizen of the United States with a valid Social Security number.

Arpey went on to note that some additional charges would also apply, including a $15 fee for every piece of luggage customers have inside their bedroom closet, and a one-time payment of $40 for any American whose name is Greg.

"We are confident that these new measures will not discourage customers from flying with American Airlines," vice president Margaret Wilkinson said. "However, we'd like to remind our customers that there is a 'discouraged-from-flying-with-American-Airlines' charge if they do in fact choose not to fly with us."

American Airlines, which posted a $1.45 billion loss in the second quarter of 2008 alone, claimed that the new fees—including the Taking A Shower Fee, the Knowing What An Airplane Looks Like Fee, and the Eating E.L. Fudge Cookies While Watching A Rerun Of House Fee—will help the company rebound.

According to internal projections, the airline will recoup $500 million in the next three months alone, with nearly 80 percent of that revenue coming from citizens asleep at home.

"Watching television last night cost me $250," said Baltimore resident Michael Peterson, one of many Americans now forced to pay high airline costs for folding their laundry and going to the ophthalmologist. "It's ridiculous, but what can you do? I guess that's just the price of not flying these days."

"American Airlines charged me for cleaning out my attic," said 74-year-old Samantha Pratt, a New Jersey resident who has not left the state since 2005. "Sure, I didn't have to wait in any long lines, or go through invasive security searches, and I got to clean out my attic, which is something I've been wanting to do for weeks, but come on now."

In response to American's move, other airlines have begun offering more competitive rates. United this week unveiled a new $99 "spend the weekend quietly reading indoors" offer, while Southwest is introducing a $125 round-trip fare for those walking to their corner store for some groceries.

JetBlue, a commercial carrier known for its thrifty rates, has come out ahead of the pack, however, and is being lauded for its decision not to charge non-passengers not to fly.

Despite reduced offers such as these, many remain concerned over the new fees. Some have even expressed doubt about whether they'll be able to afford to see family members they currently live with during Christmas.

"It's just not worth it anymore," said Caroline Huza, an Ohio native and mother of two. "Plus, every time I stay at home, I always get trapped next to some kid who won't stop crying."

source : theonion.com

Another Day, Reductio ad Absurdum

And yet another doctors appointment. This one, checking in with the family medical doctor, yields assistance in getting touch with my psychologist, who's nurse, has been to busy to return my call for 3 days now. Since I started the Abilify, I have had endless panic attacks. Three days ago, I contacted my psychologist's office to speak to the nurse, to advise her of the happenings. I ended up leaving a message, frustrating. Second day, no call back, another voicemail. Frustrated and pissed off. Third day, voicemail and now I have spoken with my medical doctor, and she too has called and left a message. We'll see if there's power in the title. Maybe, maybe not.

I have since quit the Abilify. Under noone's orders but my own. I'm tired of suffering unnecessary panic attacks, and beyond that having nothing to stop them when I do have them. I have discontinued my Abilify, which will more than likely piss someone off, but oh how I do not care. I am at ease without it.

Monday is bloodwork for lithium and thyroid levels again. And the hunt continues.

Not Your Mama's Hallelujah

As sung by the beloved Rufus Wainwright. Keep reading, it really isn't your mama's hallelujah. There is fact in the details of Pete Wentz trying to kill himself with an overdose of Ativan, then hearing this song (sang by Jeff Buckley) and finding comfort in it and hanging on.

"Hallelujah"

I've heard there was a secret chord

That David played, and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do you?

It goes like this

The fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof

You saw her bathing on the roof

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you

She tied you to a kitchen chair

She broke your throne, and she cut your hair

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Mabye I have been here before

I know this room, I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

Love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

There was a time

You let me know

What's real and going on below

But now you never show it to me, do you?

And remember when I moved in you?

The holy dark was moving to

And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above

And all I ever learned from love

Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

And it's not a cry you can hear at night,

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

East Of Eden - J. Steinbeck

"I remember my childhood names for grasses and secret flowers. I remember where a toad may live and what time the birds awaken in the summer-and what trees and seasons smelled like-how people looked and walked and smelled even. The memory of odors is very rich."

I'm just getting into this book, but this seems so true. How many people, places, memories are associated by smell alone? Isn't this our most vivid tool in reminiscent waking life? Is there anything more powerful than smell? The power of sight alone is less potent than the magnitude of smell. I remember so many things by smell alone...

Not Proud

I have a book called Not Proud. I bought it at the Half Price Bookstore a few years back and it's been sitting on my friend Ben's coffee table ever since. The other night, I nabbed it back into my life.

From the introduction :

"One night more than four years ago, we made a box that we hoped the world would fill. We called this box Notproud.com and we hoped to fill it with sins, transgressions, and regrets. A quarter of a million words later, the box is no longer empty, and we have borne witness to the best and the worst of human behavior. The religious, the spiritual, the pragmatic, and the irreverent have all dropped by, donating moments of their lives to the testament you hold in your hands."

The book is cut into chapters; Pride, Envy, Sloth, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Anger, Misc.

Excerpt from Pride : "If I walk up to a urinal to take a leak and there's a guy at the urinal next to me, I'll make sure to pee into a hole in the bottom of the urinal so my pee sounds louder and it seems like I have a bigger cock. Thats just what I do."

Excerpt from Envy : "I envy the innocence and ignorance of babies. One time when I was seven, I watched my eight month old baby brother sleeping quietly, and I slapped him, just so he would need me."

Excerpt from Sloth : "A few years ago I tried committing suicide. There was a hook on my ceiling, and so I made a noose and put one end around my neck. The other was attached to this hook. I jumped off a chair and the hook came flying out of the ceiling. I was too lazy to try again. Sums up my life really."

Excerpt from Gluttony : "When I was a teenager I drank twelve sixteen-ounce bottles of RC Cola just to see if I could win a price in the fucking cap. I won nothing and got diarrhea."

Excerpt from Greed : "For three years I worked as a receptionist at a church's office. From the day I was hired to the day I left, I stole between four hundred and five hundred dollars from the collection plate."

Excerpt from Lust : "I cheated on my boyfriend with a friend's husband. He needed it, I needed it, and better he be with me than some stranger. No one need know. It was just one night. But the thought has crossed my mind..."His wedding ring has been inside of me.""

Excerpt from Anger : "My girlfriend cheated on me with a cop. I went to a hunting store and bought a bottle of deer urine. I poured it into the heater vent of his patrol car. I understand that the city is going to declare his car a total loss. Seems they can't get the smell out."

Misc Excerpt : "I once was cleaning out my fish tank with one of those suction hose devices and I accidentally sucked out the eyeball of one of my goldfishes. It lived and is still today swimming around with a giant hollowed out hole in the side of its head."

Peering in on the trials and tribulations of others is an intriguing, unsettling, and at times, very comforting activity. They allow us to see that where we are could have been much worse.

Good luck with the demons in your own closet.

Are you SURE you're not pregnant?

Bryan Adams continues to sing 'Do I Have To Say the Words' to me.

Today my dad told me he wanted his hair cut like Hugh Jackman. I'm amazed my father knows who Hugh Jackman is. I've got one hip dad.

So this is kind of bizarre. I got a call today from some lady with an company called Baby & Me today. She was like 'You signed up for discounts' and I was like 'Lady I don't have any offspring'. She then asked me 'You're sure?' LIKE I'M UNSURE? I hung up on her. Unbelievable. How did I get signed up for that crap?

Anxiety overload tonight, fingers missing keys like wildfire.

World AIDS Day

Welcome to World AIDS Day folks. It truly is a shame we have to take a day out for AIDS awareness. That means its spreading faster than Britney Spears' legs. If you're not fucking someone you trust, put on a condom or don't fuck them!

"Some progress is being made, but still only 1.6 million people have access to treatment—and we’re nowhere near on track to reach the 10 million we will need to put on treatment by 2010."

source: worldaidscampaign.org

10 million? My God people. For the sake of blowing your load, THINK before you fuck. You have to wonder how many of these people come from uneducated countries vs. the good old North America. See, here in the states we are aware that AIDS is rampant and condoms are free for access for anyone who wants them. And yet we are still transmitting AIDS! Leads me to believe its nothing short of ignorance in this case. Countries in South Africa I understand may be less educated, however, who does not know about AIDS? Everyone has heard about it, right? Are we just ignorant? Intolerant? Seriously. This is a plague, an epidemic. We have got to get control of it before it wholly controls us. Pretty soon the odds will show the number of lives NOT afflicted with AIDS.

I'm just asking that you talk to one person about it. Even if its just to mention that today is World AIDS Day, I'm just asking that the word comes up. Education is prevention, so talk to someone. Anyone. Reminding someone about AIDS might save one life. You don't have anything to lose.

Sunday Night, Post-Australia

There are three highlights from the movie I can give you without them being spoilers. There is a great shot of Hugh Jackman's happy trail and veiny southern region (keep it clean folks, its just an imaginatory shot, a good one nonetheless). There is very little music compared to Moulin Rouge. That was kind of a relief, considering I saw this movie with my dad and wasn't up for a musical tonight. The third is that there are lots of aussie accents and beautiful aussie scenery in this film. Lots of sunsets, outback territory, and horses and roos. My kinda thing!

The downfall of the movie is that it's 3 hours long. I can't sit still for a pedicure let alone a 3 hour movie. Baz, baby, cut it down some. Shit.

Picked up Coldplay's Viva La Vida cd at Target when I was at the mall. Sensational album. What did you expect from Chris Martin?

The roads are shit and it took me almost an hour to get home from the south side, so that blows.

See ya on the flipside.

Australia

Going to see Australia. If you don't know who Baz Luhrman is, think Moulin Rouge. Spectacular Spectacular! His work is nothing short of mindblowing. I'll let you know what I thought of it when I get home!

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Coldplay - Fix You

Snow! Finally!

My New Bike!

Look what I just bought! I get to go pick it up this morning! I'm stoked!

Or should I say spoked?

Prerequisites

So here would be a list for those of you who fancy me to consider abiding by.

SPACE
I require a good bit of space. Meaning, if you're in the mood to snuggle, chances are, I'm probably in the mood for a warm bath behind a locked door. If you're in the mood for some romantic sex, chances are, I'm in the mood for some finger banging. If you're in the mood to go to Home Depot to look at power tools, chances are, as long as I can fill the cart with air freshners and plants from the garden department, I'll go with you.

MOODS
I have some serious mood swings. As you can tell, I am on quite a heavy dose of any given prescriptive anti-psychotic at any given time. Without these, you should take cover and hide from me. If I am unhappy, do not pity me. Instead, blow me off and I will come running like a puppy for a treat. If I am manic and wild acting, offer me some alcohol or a downer. You may have to fake a panic attack to get the pills I need from YOUR doctor, but whatever for your girlfriend in the name of love, right?

APPETITE
On a normal day, I eat a couple times a day. My main diet consists of various pills and coffee and cigarrettes, however, sometimes I need substance and am forced to eat. Feed me from the following food groups and you should be able to maintain a harmony with you and I, and my restrictive diet; Sushi, Orange smoothies from QT, candy, chocolate, crab rangoon, thai, and occasionally I am in the mood for whatever you're hungry for. Of course, as long as it falls into the above food groups. I'm a giver!

SEX DRIVE
I am usually up for sex at anytime. I prefer the sex of having sex, not the love of love making. I prefer to be throat fucked then to do a lick-around. I prefer to get sweaty and loud and mess up the bed and let the neighbors know that in our otherwise dysfunctional relationship, we have the healthiest sex life on the block. When in doubt as to if I'll do something, I'll do it.

HOUSEKEEPING
I like to keep a clean house. I will be responsible for this duty, as long as we are clear on the following. I will not clean a shower that you have habitually masturbated in day after day. This violates my personal code as you should not be jerking off every day. If you are jerking off every day, I need to find you another girlfriend. See SEX DRIVE and anything goes.
I will guarantee you clean fresh clothes, ironed and pressed. I will make sure all the blue clothes stay blue and the white clothes stay white. You will never have to worry about wearing pink socks or unders while dating me. I will wash all the dishes by hand if you choose not to provide me a dishwasher. If you prefer not to provide me with a dishwasher, I will expect something else as compensation for my troubles with your dried, crusty food, such as a boxer or a new car. I will settle for something smaller, such as a good stinky bag of ganja. Which of course, I will then share with you, take advantage of you, and looky there - the neighbors are becoming jealous again, because of course being high makes me want to fuck.

HYGIENE
If you expect to gain access to my pants, I expect you to shower. I do not mind a hardworking man's sweaty balls, however, your dick must be clean. If I sense that it is not, you will not get a chance to go shower in hopes to return and score with me. Next time, hopefully, you will remember this lesson and come prepared. In return for your cleanliness, I offer you a waxed vagina and sparkling fresh body as your playground, anytime you choose to visit it.

GOOD GRACES
If I love you, we will be close, and you will know you are in good with me. If I like you, you will have to show serious effort in order to get into my good graces. All in all, if we are close, I will make you the happiest man alive. If we are not close, you will know it, and you will beg on two knees for my unbridled mercy. God save your soul if you should dishonor me. Even the devil cannot be this kind.

FINANCES
I am an inexpensive woman to keep around. I enjoy small suprises (see orange smoothie from QT for $1.29) and you will not be broke from being in my company. I do not want a diamond, I do not need a new car, and I don't like meat so you don't need to take me out for surf and turf. In return for all that I will give you as a girlfriend / significant other, the cost to you is quite minimal. I have no stipulations on how you spend your money, as you've earned it, you should spend it so.

PETS
My two housecats (and one day my own boxer) will be living with us. They may end up on the bed, in which case you may be forced to snuggle next to me (see MOODS) or hug the smallest corner of the bed, so as my pets are not uncomfortable. You must tolerate and not insult the way I talk to my pets in high pitched squeaky tones and incomprehensible baby talk. My pets are my children, and unless you want to become a full time father of a screaming infant with shitty diapers and daycare costs, let me have my fucking cats and be happy.

A little humor here people. I'd settle for someone CLOSE to this....lol

More of Craigslist' Best!

*** Girlfriend Potential Test ***

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:

a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.'
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:

a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:

a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.

Q4. We're having a fight. You:

a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:

a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.'
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.


Section Two: True or False

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.
Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.
Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy.
Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.
Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies.
Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense.
Q7. Chest hair is gross.
Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.
Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course.
Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.

gone gone gone

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part


You roll outta bed and down on your knees


And for the moment you can hardly breathe


Wondering was she really here?


Is she standing in my room?


No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Thank you to Mr. Soon To Be Married Mayer for those lyrics, you boy genius you!

Snapple Lid-Trivia

Noone loves Snapple like I love Snapple. Here are 50 odd bits of lid-trivia.

1 - A Goldfish's attention span is three seconds
2 - Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons
3 - Beavers can hold their breathe for 45 minutes under water
4 - Slugs have 4 noses
5 - Camels have 3 eyelids
6 - A honey bee can fly at 15mph
7 - A queen bee can lay 800-1500 eggs per day
8 - A bee has 5 eyes
9 - The average speed of a housefly is 4.5 mph
10 - Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas
11 - Flamingos are pink because they eat shrimp
12 - Emus and Kangaroos cannot walk backward
13 - Cats have over 100 vocal chords
14 - Camel's milk does not curdle
15 - All porcupines float in water
16 - The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1
17 - A hummingbird weighs less then a penny
18 - A jellyfish is 95% water
19 - Children grow faster in the spring
20 - Broccoli is the only vegetable that is also a flower
21 - Almonds are part of the peach family
22 - Alaska has the highest percentage of people who walk to work
23 - The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile national monument
24 - The state of Maine has 62 lighthouses
25 - The only food that does not spoil is honey
26 - The Hawaiian alphabet only has 12 letters
27 - A ball of glass will bounce higher then a ball of rubber
28 - Chewing gum while peeling onions will prevent you from crying
29 - On average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime
30 - Fish have eyelids
31 - The average human will eat an average of 8 spiders while sleeping
32 - There is one million ants to every human in the world
33 - Termites eat through wood two times faster when listening to rock music! 34 - If you keep a goldfish in a dark room it will eventually turn white
35 - Elephants only sleep 2 hours a day
36 - A duck's quack doesn't echo
37 - A snail breathes through its foot
38 - Fish cough
39 - An ant's smell is stronger then a dog's
40 - It is possible to lead a cow up stairs but not down
41 - Shrimp can only swim backward
42 - Frogs cannot swallow with their eyes open
43 - A cat's lower jaw cannot move sideways
44 - The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps
45 - Elephants are capable of swimming 20 miles per day
46 - Elephants are the only mammal that cannot jump
47 - Giraffes have no vocal chords
48 - Cats can hear ultrasound
49 - Despite its hump...camels has a straight spine
50 - Mosquitoes have 47 teeth

The Life of a Pill Popper

Ok so I'm just gonna expose myself for the greater good. Someone somewhere is going through the same runaround that I'm going through.

Here's a little history.

1988 - Ritalin

1989 - Ritalin

1990 - Ritalin, Imipramine

1991 - Imipramine

1992 - 1996 - Ritalin, Imipramine

1996 - Serzone

1997 - Serzone, Zoloft

1998 - Serzone, Zoloft, Paxil

1999 - Paxil

2000 - Xanax, Zoloft

2001 - Xanax, Serzone, Prozac, Klonopin

2002 - Xanax, Remeron, Prozac, Klonopin, Ativan

2003 - Xanax, Lexapro, Remeron, Klonopin, Ativan

2004 - Xanax, Lexapro, Zoloft, Seroquel

2005 - Xanax, Lexapro, Seroquel

2006 - Effexor XR, Xanax, Seroquel, Zoloft, Trazadone, Valium

2007 - Effexor XR, Seroquel, Trazadone

2008 - Effexor XR, Lithium, Abilify, Klonopin, Trazadone, Pristiq

Current - Abilify, Lithium, Trazadone

Yeah. That's how I feel. If I feel anything at all anymore!

Happy Black Friday!

Consider this your 'kick in the pants' to start your Friday off right.

GM News

GM Covered With Giant Tarp Until It Has Money To Work On Cars Again
November 25, 2008


DETROIT—The General Motors Corporation announced Monday that it has covered its main production plant with a 500,000-square-foot blue tarp until it can get some revenue together to work on its cars again. "The rear-axle assembly line is all out of whack, and the carburetor department needs a complete rebuild," CEO G. Richard Wagoner, Jr. said while wiping his hands with an oily rag. "It's going to be at least a $50 billion job. Goddamn piece of shit American car industry." According to Wagoner, the automotive giant spent its last $18 on cinder blocks to help secure the tarp.

Source: The Onion.com

Primitive

Sweetheart

The sun has set

All red and primitive above our heads

Blood stained on an ageless sky

Wipe your tears and let the salt stains dry

Let them all run dry

All run dry...

Sweetheart

Take me to bed

That's where all our prayers are said

Whispered silent in the night

That's how all our dreams take flight

Let them all go by

All go by...

For time will catch us in both hands

To blow away like grains of sand

Ashes to ashes rust to rust

This is what becomes of us

Sweetheart

Send me to sleep

Pray to God our hopes to keep

Take our fears and make us strong

Lead us to where we belong

And let it all go by

All go by...

~Annie Lennox

Bedside Manners

1 bottle of smartwater

1 bottle of trazadone

1 bottle half full of vicodin 500's

1 book, Danielle Steele's Bungalow 2

1 book, John Grisham's The Chamber

1 book, Helter Skelter

1 book, The Writings of Rachel Corrie

1 tube of chappie stick

1 alarm clock used for light classical music to sleep to

1 small vase of white roses

1 cat brush

Whats at your bedside?

A Wee Bit 'O' Useless Sexual Trivia

According to the Kinsey Institute, masturbation is more common among white-collar workers than blue-collar workers.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only a bachelor's degree.

On average, 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have another sex partner.

Forty percent of women have said they had an orgasm while dreaming about sex. That number

is 80% for men.

According to a Kinsey survey, 75% of men ejaculate within three minutes pf penetration.

The typical lovemaking session averages 15 minutes in length.

There are five calories in a teaspoon of semen.

A small flaccid penis generally has a greater percentage increase during erection than a larger flaccid penis.

Semen contains small amounts of more than thirty elements, including fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, lactic acid, nitrogen, vitamin B12, and various salts and enzymes.

Studies have proven that it's harder to tell a convincing lie to someone you find sexually attractive.

At age seventy, 73% of men are still potent.

The smallest erect penis on record was one centimeter long.

The initial spurt of ejaculate travels at 28 miles per hour. By way of comparison, the world record for the 100 yard dash is 27.1 miles per hour.

(yeah! so ladies, stop trying to outrun it and swallow already!)

The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men. The opposite is true for lefties.

According to statistics, Australian women are the most likely to have sex on the first date. (sluts!)

Hindsight 20/20

Another undisputedly sexy shot of my fave girl, Ms. Bellucci.

Oh hindsight.

Eye Candy, Anyone?

The stunning Monica Bellucci. Nothing else needs to be said.

Instantly, my mood seems to be improving. Wink Wink!

Guilt Trip, Party of One

Ran across a couple vicodin today to get me through the day.

One parent playing against the other for me 'choosing' who to spend time with today. Over this game and tired of the fucking bullshit guilt trips. If I can manage the double holiday activities, and without drama or emotional wreckage, cannot they? If this were a contest of maturity, someone surely would have been disqualified.

Went to the neighbors and had some coffee and pie. Love thy neighbor, mine are pretty spectacular. I taught my 60 some year old neighbor the ghetto thug handshake, pretty amusing.

In a generally poor mood, after being drawn into the guilt trip that is going on right now with one parent. Cannot figure out why we can't grasp being adults and move on with life's difficulties and tribulations.

Cannot write anymore at this time.

"Please Forgive Me" ~Bryan Adams, goes out to you J.

Ubiquitously Still

Since I'm in a generally randy mood this morning, I'm gonna throw down some of my recent catastrophic successes. Everyone loves a little pissinesss in the am. I've got noone here to fuck and bake cinnamon rolls for, so this is what you all get instead.

8=>

"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced."

~Frank Zappa

Woody Allen said all he had tended to put his wife under a pedestal. Thats the kind of guy I want. I'm wanting without any succes destime. It is SO true that we always want what we cannot have. Think of this in terms monetarily, or relationship minded, or fame based. Never can get enough or precisely what we want. Then again, look at MC Hammer. He had it all, now he's just a punk. Stupid fucker.

Slept like a baby. Dreamed I was living in Ms. Lohans quarters (you should see her closet!) and that Sam Ronson was there ordering her around. Ms. Lohan had to go visit her shrink (probably due Ms. Ronson) so I tagged along, and ironically, it was Dr. Richardson, my psych! He was much sexier in the dream. Kind of like a mature Tim Robbins (Shawshank Redemption). I never did decipher what Ms. Lohan's malfunctions were and how they pertained to her visit that day, but I wonder if they have anything to do with her being a salacious-serial-slut.

I better get a shower. Two thanksgivings to attend today - ain't divorce grand. Though as I told my folks, you are both much better people alone. They agree with me. What does that tell you? Speaking of marriage - its colder than a 10 year marriage out there this morning.

I'll end with a favorite anonymous quote for y'all.

"I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you."

~Unknown

Have a very enigmatical Turkey Day peeps!

Love y'all!

( s u b l i m i n a l m e s s a g e : e a t t o f u r k e y i n s t e a d t o d a y )

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